I’m in the last year of university and so many of my friends have already started getting job offers. I’m somehow not the type who wins an interview. I am an introvert and can’t sell my skills to strangers. I feel worthless as if i don’t have any talents. I feel my time at university has added no value to my personality and i feel guilty about having wasted my parents’ money. i wish i had a talent such as singing or playing a sport on the national or international level. Yet i am a nobody. i don’t feel motivated to do anything. people around me seem so driven, yet i don’t care and feel like running away to a faraway place where i can be happy with who i am and not have to compare myself with others.
First of all. TAKE OFF THE PRESSURE. The other people around you, they don’t have pressure on them. You have all of the pressure on you. Take it from someone who thought he was the most worthless piece of garbage on the planet, pressure is imaginary, it’s all in the head. But we feel it because people CREATE pressure with their imaginations. Not only you, everyone does, but you are overcome by that pressure, so pressure doesn’t work for you, and that isn’t a problem at all, pressure is imaginary, and you’ll be better off not knowing that. In that regard, you being “behind” others will be untrue, because they will likely be living in the imaginary pressure cooker all their lives while you have a chance to step back from all that imaginary stuff. You have a chance because you don’t spread it around, you don’t THRIVE on pressure, you don’t rely on something imaginary to further yourself, while everyone else does, except a few people in the world, a very select few.
We have to go through our greatest hells, to find out greatest heaven. But we can’t find our greatest heaven until we notify the sources of our hell. These self esteem issues are very deep and exist in your mind and you probably know very well what the sources are, but you are thinking “it’s my fault”. It isn’t your fault. You are perfect, and you can do many amazing things, but you can’t start to do them until you BE HONEST about the things that are preventing you from those amazing things. You would like to visualize yourself as someone important. That is either a) vision, or b) narcissism. I think it’s vision, if you were narcissistic instead of feeling down about yourself for people being happy with their lot you would HATE them for being happy with their lot. So I think it’s vision. but vision gets impaired, because we never get a chance to talk about our vision, and if we do even attempt to talk about it all, we get labeled things like narcissistic etc. People who label aren’t the people you should be listening to. You should be listening to yourself. Your SOUL is right. No one in your life knows 00000000001% of what the feelings in your mind, heart and soul are, yet you know 100%. But you are hurting, because you feel like you know 0%, while everyone else seems to know 100% of everything, including you of course.
Here is your bible. It is my bible anyway. This has worked for me 100%. I was the biggest loser on the planet. Adhering to this, and it has taken me about 2 years (so far), has opened my mind, and started changing my life. I wrote this so of course I think it’s brilliant lol, but I share it because it has worked for me, “get more confident”, “get over it”, “other people have it worse”, “you can do it”, “smile more”, these are EMPTY solutions. Your brain is wired far more differently, your brain carries all this trauma, which has led you to where you are, and will just grow and grow if it is left to dominate. Everything takes time. And you have to think that consciously. Getting a job in your case takes time. You have to get the confidence to sell yourself, you have to stop comparing yourself to all the others who are getting ahead, which also takes time. Everything takes time, and it has been taking a hell of a lot of time already but nothing has been improving, that is because time has not CONSCIOUSLY been implemented. Just keep reminding yourself, it all takes time. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT. There is no pressure, because there is no time limit, it all takes as long as it takes. No time limit. It is not easy to adhere to this, you have been spending all your life trying to “get over it” that you have made a habit of that, a habit of hating yourself for not getting over it. You have to make a habit of giving yourself as long as you need, to replace the habit of just wanting everything to be better right away. You have to take time to replace the habits of not letting time be your friend, and you have to take time making a habit of time becoming your friend. I swear by this.
In August 2012, I was just dead. Absolutely wiped. No hope. Years of it, arguably my whole life. I do a few IQ tests, in fear, because I think I’m the biggest retard on the planet. I score high. I do 10 altogether. I score high in all of them. But I still don’t feel better, I believe I must have cheated in some way. I believed in everything but myself. I start playing Sudoku. I am a natural at it. I just play sudoku for months, like I’m obsessed. I’m really good, and just get better. I SLOWLY, slowly, start to find things, remember things. I’m a really logical person. I was really good at Maths because I was logical, I mean really good. I still am not convinced, but I believe that I’m going somewhere, I don’t have a clue just where I’m going now, but I feel something is happening. So I keep playing Sudoku, it starts to help my brain start working. I have found out I have a pretty high IQ (speculatively, I eventually find out IQ doesn’t even matter, it’s a human created thing, it doesn’t have anything to do with the spirit, it’s for the ego), so I can’t be retarded, and I used to be pretty good at Maths. I am way off, but I start SLOWLY finding things. But there is much more in my life. Me finding these things I knew about myself, why did I forget them? I can hardly even venture down that though, because I am being still obliterated by all of these other thoughts. All these thoughts that haunt me, that say “YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH”, that downplay anything good I have ever found about myself, just like they sh!t all over the very concept of any dreams I may have had in my life. I eventually in October, start facing the music. It really isn’t me. I have thought it was me all my life, but I knew it wasn’t. I knew my failings, were down to more than me. I start discovering, finding things I have been looking for, finding answers. And I eventually find them. But I still don’t believe them. It hits me like a bolt of thunder one night, where I just say to myself “I have trauma. That is my one problem, I have trauma”. So, I start thinking about trauma. How do you get rid of trauma? You rest. I read about trauma, I think about trauma, I know where the deeper problems lie, but I know ALL of those problems are joined as one, joined as trauma.
Now in May 2014, 29 years old, I am still getting rid of trauma, but I am getting rid of alot, and now I know what path I am on. I have 3 book ideas in my head. I can see these ideas CLEARLY. My whole recovery has been less about finding out what I can do, and recovering from the things I have been through in my life. Getting used to a new habit. A bunch of new habits. It just so happens that ‘conveniently’ as I have been wiping away assorted trauma, my mind starts opening up. I never even thought of writing books, apart from some far off dream in fantasy land that I hated myself for ever thinking of, thought of myself as a pathetic worm who wouldn’t get real. But now, I am forming ideas, GOOD IDEAS, still taking as much time as I need to take, I am only 29, as time has gone on my thoughts of “I’ve wasted my entire life and doomed my entire future” have totally started warping from that to “I’m only 29”. AND THAT IS THE ULTIMATE TRUTH. I am only 29. I’m “behind” people on a lot of things, but all this stuff I went through, even though it was holding me back, it has given me the opportunity to look at myself in such ways that other people just haven’t had the chance. I’M WRITING BOOKS LOL. a 3 book epic (that I have given myself no time limit to complete, could take 10+ years, there is no rush) and a thriller and a comedy book. Which also have no time limits, but I can feel will be easier stories to tell than the epic. And I’m answering questions on the internet to try help people, started a website to help others, and 2 years ago the very notion that I could even do that kind of stuff was a far off fantasy, that I don’t even think I let myself have time to have. Found out some crazy solutions to some very big problems. And I’ve done it all by getting time ON MY SIDE. Time was against me all my life. I know myself not only far better than I ever did, I learned things about myself like they were brand new that I had forgotten totally about myself (I found out I knew who I was all along, and have eventually found that I am better than I ever hoped).
This is only 1 life. We can do anything. we are wired to do absolutely anything, including turning hell into heaven. THREATS do not work. ULTIMATUMS do not work. PRESSURE does not work. TIME LIMITS do not work. LOVE works. You having trouble loving yourself? Well with time on your side, you can give yourself time to find out everything you need, time to love yourself, time to learn to breathe, time to figure out where your problems are coming from, time to get the confidence to deal with these problems, time for absolutely every single thing in your life that is wrong. This is the solution, we can all do it. This is why I help, because I was looking at everything except deep inside. I wasn’t allowed to look inside, because no one else does, everyone lives for image, which I was “below” on. Now most other people have image, but I have self image. Self image is the truth, because it is real. All the real is hurting Maria, because it is buried under an image, that has been created for you by others, and that you have ingested as “who you are”. You know who you are. I know you do. but you have to find her, and you have to give yourself support to find her. Because the truth is nobody will help you find her, nobody will help you. Except some whackjob on the internet that tells you YOU CAN find her.
This is my link. It explains the technicalities of why time is what you need and why it is not working, but the important thing is the message, “it takes as long as it takes”. You don’t need to think so much about the technicalities, unless you find yourself drawn, the important thing is the message.
You were born for a reason, and you’ll find it. https://davemasterblaster.wordpress.com/2014/02/20/what-is-trauma-and-how-do-we-eliminate-it/