I have written this in a thread on some group for recovering abuse victims. Anything I write that I just feel “clicks” I am going to post here, as well as answers to peoples questions.
We all are in the same kind of boat in alot of ways but our realities are totally different, yet similar. Personally, I have gotten away from my abusers, as have alot of people in this group, but I get so swept up in my emotions that when I reach the absolute truth of things it is like a big gong has gone off in my head, and I am just writing in the hope of hitting that gong in other peoples heads.
We are still suffering from abuse. I am away from my abusers, but I have been living with all of the effects from abuse every day. I’ve been trying to think of myself as a survivor, but the truth is, and I think this is the same for most of, if not the entirety of you, that we are not survivors yet. I have been thinking I am a survivor because I got away from the abuse, but I’m not at all. I plan to one day, that’s what all of this is about, but I’m not there yet. And everyone who is still coming here to seek some solace isn’t either, and when we think we are, even close, the truth is we’re not, because when you survive you not just get over all of the stuff that has happened to you but you don’t look back. I have certainly been looking back this entire time. And every time we go over things, we are looking back too. We can’t move forward when we are looking back. It’s all easy me saying this now, you can’t help but look back, piece together the puzzles. You all have done all of this because your abusers won’t do any of it. You have done enough of the puzzle, but I totally understand, you can’t help but get drawn to it. Just want you to know, wherever you are, if you have gone no contact with your abuser(s) for many years even, you are still suffering from abuse. It continues every day.
The denial of it all happening, that is still continued abuse. The denial of what you are and have been going through all this time until today, that is continued abuse. Doubting your own recollection of events, it is still continued abuse, from you being told that you were making things, one little thing, and the whole story, bigger than it was, that is still continued abuse, because you aren’t blowing anything up. You being “responsible” for all the bad that has happened, that is continued abuse.
The abuse will always continue from around every corner, every self questioning thought you have, which is a reaction to the insidious rape of who you are as a person, it is still continuing.
So denying that the abuse happened in the first place, or even downplaying it, or even trying to act like it wasn’t such a big deal, this is distracting us totally from the fact that the abuse is happening right now. It is still happening today. We are (I am anyway, but I wouldn’t be writing if I didn’t think I could help someone)still abuse victims, we are not survivors yet. It is great the varying lengths that we have pushed ourselves and we can use these to our advantage some day, but none of us are survivors yet. We are still victims, as of today. As long as we live in the past, playing things over in our heads, (and it is partly because of all this abuse, largely mostly) we can not live in the present. The fact is we are still victims, we can not be survivors until we acknowledge that no matter where we are, where we think we are, what we are trying to be, the fact is we are still victims. And that is okay, but we can not be survivors until we realize we are still, and likely always will be victims. We can’t be predominantly survivors until we recover properly from being victims.