I honestly don’t know how I’ve survived all these years dealing with horrible people and heartbreaking situations but now this being the 12th year of me having depression I’ve seriously had enough i can’t not just stand up anymore and keep waiting for life to get better!! When it’s clearly not, I’ve sat in this chair for the last 2 hours thinking of ways to either kill myself or run away forever. I had enough of it years ago and tried a few times to end my life but don’t know why I pull myself back
You pull yourself back because YOU KNOW really really deep down, that you don’t want to do it. You are depressed FOR A REASON, and always have been. A collection of reasons, but the whole thing is you are depressed for these reasons. I want to help you, I can give answers, and I know because I am 29 now, I have (had) been depressed since the age of 11, and I have just figured out everything.
I have figured out that we are depressed FOR A REASON. It is a natural stage of evolution, the battle between ego and soul. You don’t hear much (if any) from my perspective because everything you hear about depression (and pretty much everything) comes from an ego perspective. Because ego makes money. Depression is about solving complex social problems, your own, but also the world around you in general. Well that’s the way it was for me anyway, I can’t read your mind so I can’t possibly ever give you that kind of direction, but it is definitely to do with your own complex problems, the world DOES affect it though, because they not only leave you depressed but they make you think of it as if it is a bad thing, some kind of ‘mental illness’. I assure you it is the opposite, but it is made to seem this way because in this world were we battle between ego and soul (you can look at it as good v evil if you want), pretty much all of the information that is spread around is for ego purposes, nothing about the soul. Unless some money can be made off of it (think pop music, songs about ‘feelings’, ’emotions’) of course!!! Soul just wants not only yourself to be happy, it wants everyone else to be happy as well. But ego, it twists good things like empathy, compassion, integrity, security, happiness, being good, into ‘weaknesses’. They are not ‘weaknesses’, but they are twisted to be, and most people jump on the ego train as soon as they get a chance, and I’m sure you have been tempted/put under duress to do so as well, because frankly, ego is all over the place, it is ignorant, and the ignorance is the real power. This is why when people get depressed there is all this brew ha ha bs over it, chemical imbalances in the brain, in need of prescription medication, ‘just’ prone to depression. The truth is it is battle between ego and soul, and pretty much all the ‘advice’ you get comes from peoples ego. Not everyone, but anytime when you are made to fell that you trying to make a connection or reach out to humans is a ‘weakness’, or there is any problem at all, that is ego. And as it is dominant, it controls those who REVEL in it, and controls those who don’t have one or could initially keep it firmly in control. People with ego make something like someone being nice into ‘too nice’, so they can make that kind of thing a ‘flaw’ about someone, so they can then brand them ‘walkover’ or whatever, have their way with them.
I have discovered a lot, I used to DREAM of suicide for the majority of my life. I could never do it, and that made me think I was pathetic, because it was another thing I was ‘failing’ at. We only want to commit suicide because we are in the fight between ego and soul (your soul is fighting against your ego, but your ego is controlled from around you, because ‘everyone has ego’ and are proud of it, so you are only dealing with ego humans, not soul humans), and when our soul is being utterly crushed by the ego. If you were one of the egos of the world, you would not be depressed for a very long time (if ever), because you would think you were great, hence act like you were great all of the time. As most do. So these people are actually pretty damn weak, they don’t know the first thing about strength, strength is attained when you go through an unbelievable amount of suffering – and then super strength is attained when you turn the corner. When you start to piece things together, when you start to see that everyone is talking absolute sh!te. And they are, because all the information they give out to the world comes from ego, ego logic is numbers, the only truthful logic is unbiased logic (that’s what logic is, it is unbiased – biased logic is ego logic, because ego is always biased), when you realize that you are in a battle between ego and soul and your soul STARTS FIGHTING, it is fighting now, but you don’t know IT’S OKAY and IT’S RIGHT!!!!! , that is when you turn around. Suicidal thoughts are a test, depression is a test, are you strong enough to evolve (yes I’m serious), or are you going to give in to ego. Some of us just can’t give in to ego, and ironically we think we’re weak. We only think we’re weak, because people who live for their egos say “thinking too much” is weak for example, depression is “bad”. There is a lot of bs that is against you, ALL OF IT comes from ego, and the only ego you really have involved, is that you respect it too much, and you really can’t help it, because it is f**king everywhere. Ego can only listen to some things, it can not listen to some truths, or even all of them. It has to twist everything around to be “biased” in it’s favour. The soul is ultimate truth. It is what you live for, it is the key, but soul is mocked, and it is mocked by ego, and that is why it hurts, because we are listening to ego, instead of our soul. We know what our soul is, but no doubt all through your life whenever you have brought it out of you it has been derided, you were made to feel ‘weak’ for having it. There are answers, with these beautiful brains of ours we can do absolutely anything, and figure out anything and everything. But we are only allowed to talk about “socially acceptable” things, cars, sex, money, sports, family, tv/movies, you know all the things you’re ‘allowed’ to talk about.
You want to talk about more, you yearn to be yourself and live a life of emotional and spiritual freedom, but no one else is doing it (unless it is to ‘show’ others, an ego venture), your soul just wants you to be you and then everything will work out. I believe in you, I believe you can not just turn the corner but exceed the dreams you think are a way off fantasy, but you have to start listening to your soul, and stop listening to your ego. It takes very f**king long though, not as long as you have been depressed by any means, but it takes a long time. Instead of ‘getting over it already’, decide that getting better (and better than ever before) will ‘take as long as it takes’. The first popular advice, it is TOTALLY IGNORANT of what the person is going through, stop being a pu$$y and get over your problems and get to work. It is an ego influenced mantra of life, the people who can adhere to it best are the shallow ego owned people who perpetuate ‘life is short’, ‘yolo’ and spread that stuff around like a virus. The latter mantra, it isn’t something you hear often, but it gives TOTAL FREEDOM to you to figure out what you are going to do with your life. No deadlines, no pressure, no stress, just as long as you need. And that is the real cure, you aren’t going to get anywhere if you decide that by new years eve you are going to be at such a place, it doesn’t matter when you get to the places you want, you will get there: when you get there. There is no limits. Limits are ego inspired. It doesn’t care about the core of who you are and the core of who you are resonates in the soul. People start developing egos at the age of 5 (this is a generalization, everyone is different) and they are only meant to exist to defend yourself, but people start to see they can use the ego for their own gains, to manipulate, gain power. This is most people, and by the time people are ‘grown up’, they are totally living for their ego. And if you aren’t, if you aren’t ‘growing up’ well enough, you are ‘wrong’. By the time you start school, without a doubt, you are introduced to the wide world of ego, where conflicts happen, and packs start forming, as you advance through the years, more ‘socially acceptable’ things come into play, and then you can only do stuff to that is acceptable in certain groups and the wider scheme of things, ‘image is everything’ (image is the root of all ego by the way, a very big reason you are depressed is because your ‘image’ is not what you feel it should be, or want it to be. ‘Image’ is created by ego, the only image that matters is self image, but people think image is the first step for creating self image, they are wrong, this is why people have mid life crisis’, because they follow image their entire lives, never questioning it), as soon as image becomes important people who have to maintain one become sh!tty or subconsciously depressed, and people who can’t give themselves one (and this is strength) think they are pathetic and hate themselves because they have no image.
I’m telling you, this is all true, and I wouldn’t spread it if it didn’t all link up. It is a big world, we should question everything, but we aren’t allowed to question anything. The big men at the top don’t want people who can think for themselves and know the true value of inner strength, so they make things like a natural evolution of the human form like depression into a ‘bad’ thing to be suffering from, because the best way that evil can fight good, is to make good think it is evil. And the worst evil is the evil that thinks it’s good as well, which there is a lot of, so that is what you are up against, evil that thinks it’s good. But ignorance/evil/ego HIDES behind totally, 100% biased logic. People don’t like being alone because they get depressed and they start thinking, WE ARE GIVEN BRAINS TO THINK! They all think that thinking is bad but that they are good and smart. Most people are deathly afraid of their own minds and deal with smart people actually thinking and rightly being confused about the world by projecting them as all the things they really are.
There are answers, you can find them all, I am only writing to you because I know how valuable life is. You are depressed for a reason. You think for a reason. We want to commit suicide because we regardless of whether we think like this if we mention it to people they would think you were koo koo crazy. What a crazy notion, we actually have brains to be used? Nonsense, let’s just not talk about it, keep our feelings to ourselves. We can do ANYTHING. Including the solving of social complex problems, that is why we are depressed, we need to solve problems for ourselves but understand the world around us, but it is a true battle between ego and soul because all those problems are created by ego and our souls are told that they are ‘weak’. Please look at my blog, I make sense to myself at least, there are solutions to everything, but you have to open up the doors in your mind you don’t even know exist.